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Major League Baseball asks the Miami New Times for its Biogenesis records

Feb 5, 2013, 5:33 PM EDT

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig speaks during a news conference in New York Reuters

A little over a week ago 33% of the words in the headline would make so sense to any of us. Anyway:

Major League Baseball officials have asked the Miami News Times for records the alternative newspaper obtained for a story on alleged use of banned substances by several players. Miami New Times editor Chuck Strouse said Tuesday the paper had not yet decided how to respond. Strouse described the MLB move as a request and noted that the league does not have legal subpoena power.

Bud: Wait, we don’t have any subpoena power? Manfred! Torre! Get in here!

Rob Manfred and Joe Torre: [in unison] Yes boss?

Bud: This fella from the newspaper said I don’t have subpoena power. How is that possible?

Manfred: Because you’re not the government, sir.

Bud: I have control of a monopoly, do I not?

Torre: Yes sir.

Bud: And I have had federal agents do my bidding in the past, have I not?

Manfred: Yes sir.

Bud: Then get me one of those subpoena things and let’s get cracking, OK? [presses button on desk, pneumatic tube descends upon him, he is sucked into another room, possibly for lunch]

Manfred: [sigh]. Joe, get George Mitchell over here. Tell him to wear his governmenty suit.

  1. thebadguyswon - Feb 5, 2013 at 5:35 PM


  2. yankeepunk3000 - Feb 5, 2013 at 5:48 PM

    long day of work so far and this made me laugh… I can pull the next 6 hour shift with ease now thank you good sir lol

  3. cur68 - Feb 5, 2013 at 6:15 PM

    golf clap

  4. esracerx46 - Feb 5, 2013 at 7:16 PM

    Damn Craig, youre on a roll today! First changing a guys post, now this.That was hysterical! In all seriousness, lets say MLB does get these “records”. I’m not for against any of the players mentioned (anti Selig maybe)but if these players never failed an MLB drug test, can they really be punished? Just because it says A-Rod and others had appointments and were shot up, can appointments really get you suspended without failing a drug test? Hell, Ryan Braun failed the drug test but still got off.

  5. historiophiliac - Feb 5, 2013 at 7:27 PM

    I cannot believe this little tale at all. It is predicated on the idea that 1) Bud Selig is awake, and 2) Bud Selig would show initiative. I think we all know that’s entirely false. I think it more likely his secretary made use of his electronic signature while he was distracted by Wheel of Fortune.

    “The category is thing. You have 30 seconds. Good luck.”

    S T E R _ I D

    Hmmmm, what could it be?

  6. bh192012 - Feb 5, 2013 at 7:45 PM

    Yeah, we’re gonna need to see the photo above shopped to include Selig petting a cat in his lap.

    • chumthumper - Feb 6, 2013 at 9:55 AM

      Bud and his Walter “leave-me-the-hell-alone” pose.

  7. Old Gator - Feb 5, 2013 at 8:44 PM

    Major League Baseball does not have subpoena power. The founding fathers, looking ahead, realized that there would be idiots like Bud Light down the road who would want it and placed it out of their reach.

    However, the New Times does have some memos obtained through…sources…from lawyers for MLB who claim that Bud does have the power to order drone strikes against recalcitrant editors

    • badintent - Feb 6, 2013 at 12:13 AM

      Can he also launch cruise missiles and drones against all the Arab ceeeeeeeeeesspools???

  8. bambam4 - Feb 5, 2013 at 8:46 PM

    “A little over a week ago 33% of the words in the headline would make so sense to any of us.” What does “so sense” mean?

    • 4d3fect - Feb 5, 2013 at 11:24 PM

      Well, unless you’re AI, you might be able to substitute the word “no” for the word “so”.

      I think the rest of us already have that covered.

  9. rgledz - Feb 5, 2013 at 9:57 PM

    I bet that damn Jack Morris had something to do with this, right Craig?? Am I right?????

  10. chill1184 - Feb 5, 2013 at 11:27 PM

    Bud Selig = Lex Luthor?

    • historiophiliac - Feb 5, 2013 at 11:32 PM

      He’s not that smart.

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