Sure wish I had been there. But the Santaroga barrier secreted by Scrooge McLoria and the Feesh front orifice made it impossible for me to start the pig of steel this morning. Well, to start it psychokinetically, anyway. I slept until noon.

Scrooge’s rotten karma apparently settled on Jeff Mathis in the fourth, as it has been told above. What with it being the first game of spring training even malign karma was rusty and chose the path of least resistance, ie, a catcher. Funny thing is, the Feesh announcers were just then discussing how lucky “young Brantley” was to have such a surfeit of Veteran catching Presence on the team to help bring him along before the foul tip started lapped his marrow like one of my dogs. Jeffrey we hardly knew ye.

But on the bright side, young Hechavarria showed off some slick moves at shortstop, drew hisself a walk, stole second (on Yadda Yadd Molina, of all people), took third on a flyball out and then scored on a Gravity’s Rainbow over the head of a charging David Freese by Peanut Head, who looked like his old self. Well, actually, like his young self, since he is his old self. The Feesh’s leadoff team of Pierre and Polanco are a combined 72 years old. I guess the Feesh will be playing Scrooge McLoria Medicareball this season.

The Iron Giant dribbled a ball through the infield with a mighty swing and drove in a run, one of two he plated while slyly figuring out which one of the two baseball games he could see at any given moment was the one in which he was actually playing. And for all you cheaply sentimental feelgood freaks, John Maine pitched two pretty good innings to open up, scarred only by a wind-assisted flyball home run by David Freese in the second inning.

Overall, a pretty chipper opening day for the Feesh. The hungry youngsters, the jaded veterans and the scrapheap rescues all did their part to show just why Scrooge McLoria is paying them so little. And somewhere up north, dispossessed by weather and geography, Jimmythemarlinsfan’s grin is so wide right now that it’s jutting into two adjacent realities. Aw, what the hell. Enjoy it while it lasts, Jimster – go out at scarf some quahogs for me.