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“Trevor effing Plouffe. Plouffe was magical.”

Mar 15, 2013, 7:16 AM EDT

Trevor Plouffe Getty Getty Images

Not just that. “He was a goddamn unicorn.”

Confused? You won’t be after reading “Trevor Effing Plouffe.” Tommy Smith’s fictional story about The Twins’ (apparently) inspiring utilityman.

Really, if you had to pick any player in all of baseball as the one who would inspire short fiction, how many of you would have Plouffe in your top 100?

  1. proudlycanadian - Mar 15, 2013 at 7:20 AM

    Trevor Plouffe a literary inspiration? That takes the cake.

    • historiophiliac - Mar 15, 2013 at 7:41 AM

      Ah, yes, Pi Day is over.

      • proudlycanadian - Mar 15, 2013 at 8:22 AM

        Today is “The Ides Of March”. Fans of pie should beware.

  2. paperlions - Mar 15, 2013 at 7:51 AM

    Down by 4, lead off triple, and the next batter squeezes? Seriously?

    • professormaddog31 - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:02 AM

      This is the Twins we’re talking about.

    • jwbiii - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:19 AM

      Yep. Sixth inning.

  3. mianfr - Mar 15, 2013 at 7:55 AM

    I’m sure somewhere in the annals of the Internet, there is an epic poem dedicated to Sane Spencer for his finish to the 1998 season.

    • gerryb323 - Mar 15, 2013 at 9:45 AM

      Did the internet have annals in 1998? I feel like it had just been invented by Al Gore around that time…

      • mianfr - Mar 15, 2013 at 11:34 AM

        I feel like anything that sounds even remotely dirty, like annals, has just always existed on the Internet, as if there were no time before porn.

  4. wlschneider09 - Mar 15, 2013 at 8:00 AM

    Yes, well those of you who are rational baseball fans will see Plouffe as what he is, a marginal player who rode a power hot streak to a brief moment of fame last year. But to the long suffering Twins fan base, Plouffe was ever so briefly a bright spot in an otherwise awful season. Heck, even my parents were raving about him (they are so cute at that age). So why not some toungue in cheek fan fiction?

    • seattlej - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:26 AM

      “… the long suffering Twins fan base.”

      Is this a serious statement?

  5. indaburg - Mar 15, 2013 at 8:26 AM

    If Craig can have fan fiction, so can Trevor Effing Plouffe.

    • unclemosesgreen - Mar 15, 2013 at 3:06 PM

      Craig’s Lair! Craig’s Lair! Party time! Excellent! Changing my gravitar in honor of same.

  6. chacochicken - Mar 15, 2013 at 8:58 AM

    That was worse than James Joyce being inspired to write Ulysses by Ty Cobb. True story.

  7. Chris Fiorentino - Mar 15, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    I just read that story and two things came to mind…I want that 10 minutes back and I can’t wait for my root canal appointment this afternoon.

  8. mazblast - Mar 15, 2013 at 9:50 AM

    With a name like “Trevor Plouffe”, the kid needs all the props he can get.

  9. seattlej - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    My pick would have been for Munori Kawasaki… So yeah, I can believe that Plouffe would easily be right up there.

  10. unlost1 - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:31 AM

    “EFFING” is forbidden but “G.D.” is acceptable. George Carlin is looking up from hell and wants a word with you. (He’s not in heaven because he didn’t believe). Nevertheless he would argue about this ethical contradiction.

  11. byjiminy - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:33 AM

    I’m not saying I’m willing to go read some fan fiction about him, but I would totally defend the idea of using Trevor Plouffe as a focus. Here’s a former first round draft pick, with an unblocked path to the big leagues, and he just can’t get it done. Year after year, he underperforms in the minors, getting promoted anyway because of his pedigree. He hits his ceiling in AAA, which he repeats for three years, still not breaking out. Finally, urgent need at the major league level gets him one more chance. I’ll let Aaron Gleeman take it from here:

    “As of May 15 he’d played 125 career MLB games with a .212 batting average, .286 on-base percentage, .357 slugging percentage, and 97 strikeouts versus 11 homers.

    “Since then he’s hit .315 with 13 homers and a .793 slugging percentage in 24 games, including a stretch in which he went deep seven times in seven games.”

    He went from bust to Babe Ruth, and it lasted two months.

    It’s a Cinderella story — except nobody knows how it will end. Which is the real Trevor Plouffe? His years of struggle in the minors? Or a hot streak in the major unmatched by few people in history?

    Most likely, he’ll regress to his past. But who knows. Maybe he’ll go all Bautista on us.

    How could you all not see how riveting a story this is????????

  12. dasportsninja - Mar 15, 2013 at 10:57 AM

    This was no SId Finch story, but still a good fictional baseball read.

  13. cur68 - Mar 15, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    That was hilarious. What kind of soullessness needs to afflict a person such that they don’t appreciate it?

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