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Marlins’ Opening Day starting lineup is comical

Mar 31, 2013, 12:55 PM EDT

Here it is, via MLB.com Marlins beat writer Joe Frisaro:

Pierre, the leadoff man, owns a .284/.339/.333 batting line since the start of the 2010 season and will turn 36 years old this summer. Coghlan was named the 2009 National League Rookie of the Year, but he has hit .238/.305/.351 in 803 major league plate appearances since. Polanco, the cleanup hitter, has 13 home runs and a .356 slugging percentage in his last 344 games. Dodgers utilityman Skip Schumaker, for quick reference, owns a career slugging percentage of .377. We’ll just go ahead and stop there.

  1. contraryguy - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:03 PM

    You’ll see one with the same or even less pop in it tonight when Houston takes the field. The Marlins will be awful but picked up this 2B Solano kid in a fantasy draft for cheap, hope he does well.

    • EK Ohio - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:08 PM

      Come on, the Astros roster has much more power — Pena, Carter, Maxwell, Ankiel — and they have Altuve who can actually get on base. The Astros roster might not be pretty, but it might be an order of magnitude better than the Marlins.

      • paperlions - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:18 PM

        Yeah, I think the Marlins have a better shot of losing 100 games than the Astros do.

      • contraryguy - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:34 PM

        I’ll buy the notion that Carlos Pena has power but will he top .200 BA? The guy likely to hit in front of him, Carter, has a .214 lifetime average. And Rick Ankiel topped the spring training stats for the Stros, what do ya think, over/under 80 games on the field for him this year? Yes, hope springs eternal on Opening Day for all teams, but if we’re just comparing different shades of turd here, I don’t think the Stros stink any less.

    • chacochicken - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:08 PM

      The Astros are likely going to crush it but end up striking out at an enormous pace. The only thing worth seeing in Miami might be the Giant sitting crosslegged at 1st base.

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:05 PM

        And then there’s this: compared to this lineup, Billy the Marlin becomes a tragic figure.

  2. dowhatifeellike - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:14 PM

    I don’t know 4 of those names. There’s Stanton and then the other 4 are like the “who’s who” of marginal players who are somehow still employed.

    • chumthumper - Apr 1, 2013 at 12:37 AM

      I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
      Most of these guys never had a prime.
      The fact is we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven’t won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven’t placed higher than fourth in the last fifteen. Obviously it’s time for some changes.
      This guy here is dead!
      Cross him off, then!

  3. datdangdrewdundunituhgin - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:20 PM

    i feel sort of dirty laughing at this team, like i’m making fun of a handicapped child or an abused animal. i feel for the marlin fans, though. i endured the mid-90’s to mid-00’s tiger teams, and it was rough going.

    keep your heads up.

    • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:04 PM

      KEEP YOUR HEADS UP
      ……keep your heads up

      ……………keep your heads up…..

      • proudlycanadian - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:11 PM

        …………….keep your heads up high!

  4. spudchukar - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:26 PM

    Polanco in the clean-up spot has to be the most glaring atrocity. I wonder if Stanton will see a strike all season long.

    • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:02 PM

      Sure he will. He’ll be kneeling in the on deck circle before every at-bat.

      • spudchukar - Mar 31, 2013 at 5:00 PM

        Made me laugh, gotta feel for Iron Mike, though MLB deserves to see his talent and it is tough to show it from the kneeling position.

  5. rbj1 - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:27 PM

    See also, New York Yankees lineup. $200 million isn’t what it used to be. Going to be a long year for me.

    • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:08 PM

      Except Cano can make a claim for best player in the non-Trout/Cabrera division, Jeter will be back in a week and Granderson back by May 1st.

  6. brewcrewbombers - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    “You suck, you jackass..” is the subliminal message.

  7. bat42boy - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:32 PM

    That’s worse than the Houston Astros. What a shame. Minor league all the way.

  8. dluxxx - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    Makes me feel better about being a Twins fan. I think the Twins are going to score a ton of runs. They’ll just give up more…

    • Ben - Mar 31, 2013 at 4:12 PM

      Why? Pecota projects 706 runs scored for the Twins. Lowest in the AL Central, and only the Mariners and Astros project to score fewer runs in the AL. The Mariners are a question mark because of the fences too. Although Twins fans seem to think Trevor Plouffe is a thing, which baffles me.

  9. schmedley69 - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:40 PM

    Time to contract the Marlins. Baseball just doesn’t work there.

    • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:01 PM

      A free brothel full of former Playmates of the Year wouldn’t work here if Scrooge McLoria owned it.

      • proudlycanadian - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:14 PM

        Conceptually interesting, but I question the conclusion.

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:22 PM

        Why? Pimps don’t subsidize each other.

  10. sheriffpeyton18 - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:44 PM

    Loria needs to be absconded of this team. Why doesn’t MLB care??

    • 4d3fect - Mar 31, 2013 at 7:02 PM

      Must…resist…Grammar Nazi urge….

  11. Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 1:59 PM

    Yesterday the Feesh homepage had projected this lineup:

    1. LF: Juan Pierre
    2. 2B: Donovan Solano
    3. RF: Giancarlo Stanton
    4. 3B: Placido Polanco
    5. C: Rob Brantly
    6. CF: Justin Ruggiano
    7. 1B: Casey Kotchman
    8. SS: Adeiny Hechavarria
    9. SP: Ricky Nolasco

    This is, in either case, actually an improvement over some stories that had Pierre and Polanco leading off – a combined 72-year-old tablesetting duo, with Justin Ruggiano batting cleanup, or even (shudder) Tweeter, who so firmly believes that a run’s place is in scoring position. Period.

    No matter. The Iron Giant is going to be about as well protected in this lineup as an orphaned hadrosaur from a pack of velociraptors. Half the peetching staff’s testicles haven’t dropped yet, and the new star shortstop, the rookie’s rookie Adeiny Hechavarria, comes out of spring training batting .183 and will have to “learn to hit” in the majors.

    I worked up the collective spring batting average for this lineup, then said the hell with it and went looking for the Higgs boson instead.

    • proudlycanadian - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:17 PM

      Alas, it appears that some European scientists may have found the Higgs Boson already. On the other hand, can their finding be replicated?

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:24 PM

        Sure, if you happen to have a Large Hadron Super Collider in your backyard, and your backyard happens to be the size of Rhode Island.

        Unfortunately, it won’t work in Florida because of the sinkholes.

      • proudlycanadian - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:52 PM

        Between the sinkholes and the pythons, it is getting a bit difficult to find the right location to do proper research.

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:26 PM

        …damn “post comment” button…

        And I wanted to add that that’s why I went looking for the one they found. I don’t have the necessary equipment here to find another one.

    • 78mu - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:37 PM

      Hey Gator, I get the vibe that you’re pretty excited about the team this year.

      It’s amazing how perceptive I can be after downing three bottles of Jack Daniels and a dozen lines of coke. The challenge will be to keep it up through September and avoid any brush with reality.

      Shouldn’t Nolasco be hitting higher in the batting order? He did have a 431 OPS last year.

      • jerze2387 - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:00 PM

        I didnt even think of that..they could always hit the pitcher clean up. I hear dontrelle willis is back on the market…

    • natslady - Mar 31, 2013 at 5:53 PM

      Since they’re playing the Nats, I wrote it up. Why wouldn’t you put Brantly after Stanton? I understand he’s a rookie, but he’s got some power and could be promising (the Nats drafted him but he didn’t sign).

      http://ladyandthenats.blogspot.com/2013/03/who-are-these-fishy-guys.html

  12. sandrafluke2012 - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:26 PM

    I think they’re underrated. People said the same thing about the 03 team. I think the Marlins can win a title this year

    • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:47 PM

      Yeah, and Obama’s press editor can prove he was born in Kenya. Keep it up, imbecile.

      • sandrafluke2012 - Mar 31, 2013 at 4:26 PM

        When did I say it proves it? I said I wouldn’t bet my firstborn that he was born in Kenya or Hawaii. And if you were honest, instead of having your white guilt, you would admit it too..

      • historiophiliac - Mar 31, 2013 at 6:06 PM

        Looks like barrywhereyoufrom got a new handle.

    • dowhatifeellike - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:59 PM

      They can win a title in the sense that the rules do not prohibit it, but to think this Marlins team could win a playoff series against any of the top AL teams is laughable.

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:52 PM

        The idea that this team could win a playoff series against any of the second division NL teams is just as laughable.

    • kollin7 - Mar 31, 2013 at 4:11 PM

      Jesus…

  13. thatley99 - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:30 PM

    I played a bunch of guys from the Nationals in my free Fantasy Baseball Contest knowing how bad the Marlins actually are.
    http://www.realmoneyfantasyleagues.com/go/fanduel-mlb-freeroll.php

    • 18thstreet - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:57 PM

      Dear readers: No one cares about your fantasy team.

  14. tc4306 - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:37 PM

    At least Houston has some top prospects that are not too far away, a few guys with potential on the MLB roster, a GM with a proven track record and an owner who has pledged to spend money when spending will make a difference. While it will be a long year, there is reason to think things will get better. In Miami, the only question is, “When does football start?”

    • jimmymarlinsfan - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:45 PM

      Yelich and Fernandez are better prospects than anyone the Astros have. I can’t wait for all of you to eat some crow when your team misses the playoffs and doesn’t win anything of note either. At least the Marlins win world titles from time to time. And no Gator, I don’t care what you think

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:48 PM

        Why should you? I’m rational sometimes.

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 4:00 PM

        Well let me address that in more detail. Yes, the Feesh, when owned by Wayne Huizinga or John Henry and general managed by Dave Dombrowski won a couple of world championships from time to time. The team Scrooge McLoria and Larry Beinfest inherited from Henry and Dombrowski won in 2003 with a few last touches from Beinfest and Scrooge, notably Ivan Rodriguez. But without the foundation Dombrowski laid down before he went to Detroit and built a winner there, there’s no reason whatsoever to think that Beinfest, Scrooge and the Chihuahua, who have proven nothing except their dishonesty, cheapness and ineptitude since, would have had a winner on their hands.

        Aside from that, Jimmy, I don’t see any predictions of winning any titles by any of the other teams mentioned in the post above. That’s just a straw man you’ve constructed in the undoubtedly vain hope that this Feesh team, as captained by your corrupt, lying hero Scrooge McLoria, is going to be anything but the baseball equivalent of the Andrea Doria by the time this season is over.

        As for the crow, I’m keeping it on ice until October 1. Then, let me know when you’ve pre-heated your oven and I, along with quite a few others on here, will Fedex it postage due just in time for your Labor Day family dinner.

  15. jimtron11 - Mar 31, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    You would think that that lineup could use a center fielder who hit .313 with 13 homers, 36 RBI, 38 Runs and 14 SBs in only 288 ABs last year…Any yet, Justin Ruggiano has been demoted to the bench in favor of Chris Coghlan, who hit .140 last year over 93 ABs. For the record, the man behind this bizarre decision; rookie manager Mark Redmond, hit 13 home runs and stole 1 base in his 13-year career, which spanned 2,264 ABs…Maybe Redmond has a thing for the powerless.

    • jerze2387 - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:09 PM

      Itd make way too much sense to keep ruggiano and use coghlan back at 3B to get polanco off the field. They have to lose so they can move the team to Cleveland

      • gloccamorra - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:17 PM

        San Antonio. Lorie doesn’t like cold weather.

      • gloccamorra - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:18 PM

        Or income taxes.

      • jerze2387 - Mar 31, 2013 at 6:44 PM

        I was just thinking reverse plotline from major league. *que the “who are these %$^*&@# guys” and groundscrew saying “theyre $#!++%” montage*

    • gloccamorra - Mar 31, 2013 at 3:15 PM

      Redmond’s admittedly short minor league managing career contains at least an indication that he knows how to motivate the kids. It might just be “play well a couple years and you might get traded to a better-run team”, but hey, whatever works.

      Coghlan was a first rounder and ROY whose march to greatness was derailed by a shaving cream pie, while Ruggiano was a 25th rounder. I wouldn’t be surprised if the decision wasn’t made by Redmond. In addition to being a cheap, lying SOB, Lorie also thinks he knows as much about baseball as anyone who works for him.

      • Old Gator - Mar 31, 2013 at 4:03 PM

        I don’t see any reason to think that Scrooge has finished meddling with this team. I suspect that Ruggiano will be batting behind the Iron Giant before too much of the season has passed and Polanco is guzzling Acai for his back spasms from the shade of the bench.

  16. leerosenthall - Mar 31, 2013 at 4:13 PM

    Surely this lineup is an April Fool’s joke?

    • spudchukar - Mar 31, 2013 at 5:04 PM

      Unfortunately, the joke is on the Marlins’ season ticket holders, both of ‘em.

  17. carbydrash - Mar 31, 2013 at 5:03 PM

    What’s the over/under that Stanton’s runs scored total is equal to his home run total at year’s end.

    • jerze2387 - Mar 31, 2013 at 7:12 PM

      Which will both be less than half of his walk total. “do we want to pitch to Stanton or Polanco…”

  18. kiwicricket - Mar 31, 2013 at 6:05 PM

    And Billy the Marlin is available on the bench to pinch hit?

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