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Bryce Harper vs. Jesus

May 13, 2013, 8:52 AM EDT

bryce harper getty Getty Images

The media, particularly the Washington media, has spent several years now trafficking in some pretty major Bryce Harper hype. To his credit, Harper has lived up to that hype. More than lived up to it, in my view, to the point where the hype isn’t all that crazy.

So what to do you now if you’re a D.C. media type? You parody the hype as a means of telling everyone to not get too ahead of themselves in the Bryce Harper hype:

Harper at 20 vs. Jesus at 20: We’re talking “of Nazareth” here, not “Ivan de.” This was the toughest head-to-head matchup, but Bam-Bam wins again. Although he was purported to do some very good work as the Son of Man after 29, the New Testament has no record of Jesus between 12 and 30, often referred to by biblical scholars as “the silent years.” It’s assumed he was working as a Galilee carpenter for 18 years, but because there is no historical record, we can’t really say either way.

The only thing we do know is he didn’t crush two home runs on his first opening day, did he? One is considered the Messiah by many; the other saved baseball in Washington.

Or, I suppose, we could just watch and enjoy this guy’s game rather than decide whether he is overrated, underrated or properly rated. But that would leave a lot of columnists without things to do.

  1. proudlycanadian - May 13, 2013 at 8:58 AM

    Clown comparison bro.

    • albertmn - May 13, 2013 at 9:15 AM

      I think the “clown” thing is WAAAAAY played out. But, in this case I still gave the thumbs up.

    • paperlions - May 13, 2013 at 9:17 AM

      Now that you bring it up, there are some comparisons with clowns.

      Most kids are scared of clowns. Most pitchers are scared to face Harper.

      • Old Gator - May 13, 2013 at 9:30 AM

        That’s what Mummy and Daddy get for letting their horrible little progeny watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space on cable. Now they’re gonna foul their diapers every time Mummy runs the vacuum cleaner.

      • heyblueyoustink - May 13, 2013 at 9:35 AM

        @Paper- There was a time many pitchers were afraid of this fella named Strawberry.

        @OG- One of the greatest B movies of my lifetime. The fact that you were aware of it makes me respect you all the more in a “Night of the Comet” and “Chopping Mall” kind of way.

      • Old Gator - May 13, 2013 at 10:39 AM

        Well yeah, from the peculiar aesthetic standpoint of the B movie connoisseur, it is one of the greatest of the worst – right down there with Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, The Terror of Tinytown and, Buddha preserve him, DeForest Kelly’s breakout performance in Night of the Lepus. Any time you want to talk Golden Turkeys, I’m here.

      • heyblueyoustink - May 13, 2013 at 11:00 AM

        Hey, way back when, the Killer Tomatoes almost made it big, they did have a Saturday morning cartoon for a cup of coffee when that sort of thing was fashionable.

        Now, instead of cartoons, the kiddos get “news entertainment”. How wonderful.

  2. mybrunoblog - May 13, 2013 at 9:07 AM

    Mike Wise must be really desperate. That was a silly column. Somebody please find Mike Wise’ editor and slap him with a sock full of quarters.

    • heyblueyoustink - May 13, 2013 at 9:38 AM

      I’d opt for the Sean Penn “Bad Boys” route. Pillow case full of soda cans and such.

  3. DelawarePhilliesFan - May 13, 2013 at 9:24 AM

    Parody. Yes, it was parody.

    • Old Gator - May 13, 2013 at 9:31 AM

      My parrod doesn’t squawk like that.

    • indaburg - May 13, 2013 at 9:42 AM

      Yeah. He also compared him to FDR, Einstein, Ghandi, and Edison.

      • DelawarePhilliesFan - May 13, 2013 at 9:50 AM

        I wasn’t confing my “analysis” to the Jesus thing.

        It is my belief that no one who pours Kool Aid for a living….sorry, writes for a living…. would ever in their heart of hearts believe Harper is superior to all those named.


  4. daveitsgood - May 13, 2013 at 9:36 AM

    Are you trying to say that Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?

    • DelawarePhilliesFan - May 13, 2013 at 9:41 AM

      There is some joke about guys golfing that ends with:

      “Who’s he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
      “No, Arnold Palmer”

      Probably should google it before I hit post…..ahhh….too lazy this AM

    • cur68 - May 13, 2013 at 9:44 AM

      Ahh, Hey-Zoos. I like him ver’ much, but He no help with curveball.

    • ptfu - May 13, 2013 at 9:46 AM

      Bryce Harper does it all the time. Your move, Jesus…

      • cur68 - May 13, 2013 at 10:08 AM

        I think we need a live chicken, here.

  5. deebl0ck - May 13, 2013 at 9:38 AM

    Umm..dont really understand the meaning behind this comparison…out of all ppl u try to compare him to Jesus? Smh

    • blacksables - May 13, 2013 at 10:40 AM

      Not really a good comparison, is it? I mean, Jesus got nailed to a cross and arose from the dead three days later. Harper has missed three games with a boo boo on his toe, and didn’t have any prostitutes to keep him company . I think JC is the a better long term investment when free agency hits.

  6. mditmars - May 13, 2013 at 9:41 AM

    Bryce Harper wins on account of having proof of existence.

    • number42is1 - May 13, 2013 at 10:08 AM

      Is there really a dispute of Jesus having existed?

    • samu0034 - May 13, 2013 at 10:18 AM

      I’m not a religious man, but there really isn’t much debate about the historical existence of Jesus.

      Taken from Wikipedia (I know, I know…): “Virtually all modern scholars of antiquity agree that Jesus existed,[1][2][3][4] and although there is little agreement on the historicity of gospel narratives and their theological assertions of his divinity,[5][6][7][8] biblical scholars and classical historians regard theories of his non-existence as effectively refuted.[9][10][11] Most scholars agree that Jesus was a Galilean Jew who was born between 7 and 2 BC and died 30–36 AD.[12][13][14] Most scholars hold that Jesus lived in Galilee and Judea, did not preach or study elsewhere[15][16][17] and that he spoke Aramaic and may have also spoken Hebrew and possibly Greek.[18][19][20] Although scholars differ on the reconstruction of the specific episodes of the life of Jesus, the two events whose historicity is subject to “almost universal assent” are that he was baptized by John the Baptist and shortly afterwards was crucified by the order of the Roman Prefect Pontius Pilate.[21][22][23][24]”

      So while I can barely stomach religious trolling in any way (pro or con), at least don’t just make shit up.

      • DelawarePhilliesFan - May 13, 2013 at 10:23 AM

        Excellent post – I too was going to reply with “No one disputes he existed“, but decided not to, essetnially the reason you gave in the final sentence. But you said it well.

        Nothing wrong with being an Atheist/Agnostic, but at least be an informed one!

  7. heyblueyoustink - May 13, 2013 at 9:42 AM

    Good news is, if he’s going to be Bryce Harper, superstar, we get to nail his ass to a cross forcing suffocation and spearing his ribs on a Friday when he’s in his early thirties.

    You hear that? We all get Friday off! If that’s not a win win, I don’t know what is.

  8. number42is1 - May 13, 2013 at 10:02 AM

    Better Ending?

    The only thing we do know is he didn’t crush two home runs on his first opening day, did he? One is considered the Messiah by many; the other, Jesus Christ.

  9. jm91rs - May 13, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    ” But that would leave a lot of columnists without things to do.”

    And a lot of bloggers without columnists to comment on.

    • number42is1 - May 13, 2013 at 10:13 AM

      “And a lot of bloggers without columnists to comment on.”

      And a lot of random folks without Bloggers to comment on.

  10. tellyspop - May 13, 2013 at 10:30 AM

    This has to be the stupidest, lamest comparison to appear here in recent memory. The “DC Media Type” should have compared Mr. Harper to the Prophet Muhammad, then we would have some real excitement in attention seeking writing.

    • number42is1 - May 13, 2013 at 10:38 AM

      Only if they included pics

    • nolanwiffle - May 13, 2013 at 11:02 AM

      Harper and Jesus have Major League-level beards. Unable to view pictures or photos of Muhammad, we can only assume his beard is stuck in Double A ball.

      • jm91rs - May 13, 2013 at 11:17 AM

        Just describing his beard is a crime.

  11. andreweac - May 13, 2013 at 12:57 PM

    Jesus had already won a SEC championship by the age of 20, in addition to one of the most stories histories in Florida high school football.

  12. misterj167 - May 13, 2013 at 2:29 PM

    People forget that Jesus batted a very un-Messiah like .185 with sixteen errors in thirty games while playing shortstop for the Nazarene Nephalim (aka “the Giants”) in his first year with the team and was promptly released, thus beginning is career as a philosopher/savior, depending on who you talk to. What few people know is that he never said “the meek shall inherit the Earth” on the Sermon on the Mount, he said “the meek shall win the batting title” for the Judean League (or was that the Judean People’s League?), but it was edited out when baseball fell into obscurity under the rein of Vespasian.

    It’s true. Look it up.

    • misterj167 - May 13, 2013 at 2:29 PM


  13. Baseball Beer Burritos In That Order - May 13, 2013 at 3:04 PM

    Harper Pros: elite swing, generates tons of power giving him power upside with nearly no ceiling, good footspeed and baserunning instincts, plus defense, appears mature for his age and seems to have excellent baseball intelligence

    Harper Cons: questionable haircut taste, isn’t in his prime yet, possible Yankee fan

    Jesus Pros: his power upside has no ceiling at all, nor do other facets of his game, can play both center field and shortstop while pitching, very popular in the midwest and south with huge revenue boosting potential

    Jesus Cons: old-timey mechanics cause concern about injuries, refuses to sign contracts, requires an Aramaic translator on the mound, reportedly a fan of the designated hitter

  14. notsofast10 - May 13, 2013 at 4:47 PM

    Jesus was a carpenter and may have been crafting the early wooden bats that Bryce now benefits from! Advantage Jesus.

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