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Ned Yost kills our buzz: apparently there is no “third baseman tree”

May 22, 2013, 8:52 AM EDT

Ned Yost and his flexible thumb Getty Images

This is a few days old and I have no idea how I missed it, but when Ned Yost was asked over the weekend about what he’s gonna do with the Royals struggling third baseman Mike Moustakas, he painted an image for us which, I feel anyway, will form a larger part of his legacy than anything he’s done at the helm of the Brewers or Royals ever will:

“You know what?” Yost said. “Maybe when we get home, I can go to the third base tree and pick another third baseman. … Obviously, third basemen who can hit and hit with power, they must grow on trees.

“They’ve got to. Like relief pitchers. And starting pitchers. Right fielders. Left fielders. First basemen. All of these guys must grow on trees, and you must be able to just go get another good one. A ripe one. Make sure it’s ripe.

“Those trees are at a hidden location but, obviously, they’re somewhere. Because that’s what everyone wants to do. Let’s just go pluck another one out of the tree. That’s the nonsense that really ticks me off.”

Know what would be a fun project? Figuring out which teams have the best trees. Like, for years the Dodgers had a right-handed starter tree. The Pirates used to have a strong-armed corner outfielder tree. The Giants had a pretty good outfield tree too. The Braves cultivated a rare plant which spit out Georgia high school starting pitcher spores for a good while. The Mets used to have a middle-of-the-field shrubbery that seemed to give off shortstop, second baseman and center fielder berries back in the 80s.

Really, the botany of baseball teams is an interesting topic. Shame, though, that the Royals are trying to plant things in what is apparently a desert.

  1. Kevin S. - May 22, 2013 at 8:56 AM

    The Yankees have a regurgitating tree that somehow kicks out players that are better than when they were swallowed.

    • proudlycanadian - May 22, 2013 at 9:03 AM

      It is well known that the “Damn Yankees” have made a pact with the Devil. The team even embraces the term “The Evil Empire”.

      • Kevin S. - May 22, 2013 at 9:05 AM

        You do know that in Damn Yankees it was a Washington Senators’ fan who made a pact with the devil to become an awesome player for the Senators and *beat* the Yankees, right?

      • proudlycanadian - May 22, 2013 at 9:09 AM

        There you go again. Just like the Yankees, you are raining on my parade. (Goes and takes an aspirin for my headache.)

      • heyblueyoustink - May 22, 2013 at 9:16 AM

        “But the oaks can’t help their feelings
        If they like the way they’re made.
        And they wonder why the maples
        Can’t be happy in their shade.”

        ……said the Yankees to the Blue Jays?

      • Kevin S. - May 22, 2013 at 9:23 AM

        Just so long as they’re not all made equal by hatchet, ax or saw.

      • Craig Calcaterra - May 22, 2013 at 10:49 AM

        Should ban everyone who makes a Rush reference in this lousy joint.

      • proudlycanadian - May 22, 2013 at 10:52 AM

        LOL! You may have been the first one Craig with your thread about when a certain member of Rush threw out the first pitch in a Jays game.

      • Kevin S. - May 22, 2013 at 10:59 AM

        Just because the Rush fans you troll do a better job of giving it back to you than Philly fans doesn’t mean you need to get in a huff about it. :-)

      • heyblueyoustink - May 22, 2013 at 1:01 PM

        How about being a Rush fan and Phillies fan. I mean that makes like, infinity reason to ban, right? ;-)

      • proudlycanadian - May 22, 2013 at 1:40 PM

        I rarely heard any music by Rush even though they were a local band. By the time they came onto the music scene, I was into jazz. Furthermore, heavy rock featuring a lineup of 2 guitars plus drummer with the bass guitar player as the vocalist had already been done exceptionally well by Cream.

      • abaird2012 - May 22, 2013 at 4:59 PM

        Both Rush and Cream feature(d) only one guitar. But in both cases, they made it count.

    • paperlions - May 22, 2013 at 9:15 AM

      They also have a tree to produces nice shiny fruit that never seems to ripen.

      • Kevin S. - May 22, 2013 at 9:53 AM

        No it ripens, but only when somebody else pays them to pick it.

  2. proudlycanadian - May 22, 2013 at 9:06 AM

    I know nothing about third base trees as I did not study horticulture. On the other hand, it has been a treat to watch Longoria and Lawrie play third base against each other. They are terrific fielders.

    • abaird2012 - May 22, 2013 at 10:04 AM

      Yes, but only one of them seems able to hit.

      • proudlycanadian - May 22, 2013 at 10:07 AM

        One of them is getting too many hits in Blue Jay games. Time will average it out a bit.

  3. chacochicken - May 22, 2013 at 9:09 AM

    Now he’s talking my kind of crazy here. I’d go with a deeper philosophical argument of what is really the true nature of 3rd Base and the men who play that position.
    Regardless, Ned you are painting yourself into a corner here. You know what does grow on trees? Delicious cashews. Delicious cashews and ineffectual managers.

  4. paperlions - May 22, 2013 at 9:35 AM

    The Cardinals planted an entire grow of power arm trees. It is right next to their swiss army player grove (players that can play multiple positions passably).

    • historiophiliac - May 22, 2013 at 10:17 AM

      None of your OK players are from Grove.

      • paperlions - May 22, 2013 at 12:39 PM

        The OK players are also not power arms or swiss army guys, just a power hitting LF and a solid defensive SS who can hit a little….they’re imports.

      • historiophiliac - May 22, 2013 at 1:08 PM

        The rest you got at the Cheapo Depot.

  5. chadjones27 - May 22, 2013 at 9:43 AM

    I love you, ticket oak

  6. theroanoker - May 22, 2013 at 10:03 AM

    Clearly the north side of Chicago is suffering from complete deforestation.

    • abaird2012 - May 22, 2013 at 10:05 AM

      Some kind of blight?

      • Kevin S. - May 22, 2013 at 10:40 AM

        There’s a goat eating all the trees before they can grow.

  7. geoknows - May 22, 2013 at 10:19 AM

    Royals fans would also like to visit the manager tree. And, while they’re at it, the GM and owner trees too.

  8. kopy - May 22, 2013 at 10:32 AM

    “Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies!”

  9. andreweac - May 22, 2013 at 10:40 AM

    I want a tree that produces offspring that have the Willingness to Win.

  10. Jeremy Fox - May 22, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    The Red Sox had a leftfielder tree for decades. And the Rays seem to have a starting pitcher tree.

  11. ksbuff - May 22, 2013 at 11:57 AM

    Apparently Frank wasn’t aware of this study when he went off on this tirade.

    http://www.royalsreview.com/2013/5/20/4345322/new-shocking-scientific-breakthrough

  12. skerney - May 22, 2013 at 2:03 PM

    “I think I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a third baseman tree.
    A tree whose hungry mouth is prest, against Pablo’s ample breasts.
    A tree that looks looks at god all day, and grew Mike Schmidt to play.
    A tree that may in autumn wear, a nest of Cardinals in her hair.
    Upon whose bosom MIggy is lain. Who lives intimately with rain.

    Poems are written by fools like me
    But only Ned Yost can make a third baseman tree.

    • historiophiliac - May 22, 2013 at 7:22 PM

      Awesome.

  13. prmallon5600 - May 22, 2013 at 2:49 PM

    Craig, please tell me you noticed what Yost called Alex Gordon in that same interview

  14. kevinbnyc - May 22, 2013 at 2:51 PM

    I just don’t see why he has to be so mean about it.

  15. jamessmyth621 - May 22, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    Don H-oak. Wes H-elms. Heinie Groh. Who says third basemen don’t grow on trees?

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