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A Lehigh Valley IronPigs fan will win an all-expenses paid funeral

Jun 28, 2013, 2:30 PM EDT

Alas Poor Yorick

In what is being described as the most valuable fan giveaway in team history, the Lehigh Valley IronPigs are going to give one lucky fan an all-expenses-paid funeral at their August 20th game. What you get, courtesy of the the IronPigs and a local funeral home:

  • A casket.
  • Professional services of funeral director and staff.
  • Body removal and preparation (embalming or cremation).
  • Use of facilities and services for viewing (visitation/wake), funeral ceremony, Memorial Service and graveside services.
  • Vehicle to transfer remains to Funeral Home along with Hearse for cemetery transfer.

A memorial company will provide a complimentary headstone and a florist will offer “a casket spray” of flowers, which is an odd way of putting that, but since I have never planned a funeral I guess that’s my problem.  The total value of all of that is said to be $10,000.

How do you win: essay contest! You submit an essay of 200 words or less that describes your “ideal funeral and why you feel you will, eventually, be deserving of the free funeral.” All essays must be received by July 31, 2013 — details at the linked release — and you have to be at the August 20th game to win.

My entry:

Dear IronPigs,

I feel like I deserve the funeral because it is long overdue. I have been dead since October 2011 and my corpse has been rotting in front of everyone for the past two years. It’s really embarrassing. Please allow my mortal remains to finally find a place of rest, preferably at the expense of the an affiliate of the Phillies organization for that is something to which I have become accustomed.


Ryan Howard

  1. specialkindofstupid - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:34 PM

    What’s particularly special about this prize is it will give the winner something in which to look forward. A cash prize? Psssh. He or she would blow through that. This prize will always be out there. Waiting.

    • albertmn - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:19 PM

      To paraphrase Carl Spackler, “So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

  2. grissom103 - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:37 PM

    Craig, I’m a funeral director and will give you an all expenses paid funeral for yourself but it must be used by tomorrow.

    • specialkindofstupid - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:47 PM

      The harshness of this comment is only matched by its subtlety.

      • paperlions - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:45 PM

        …and generosity.

  3. dhragonn - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:38 PM


  4. vanmorrissey - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    Ahhh, priceless Craig, well said!

  5. gallaghedj311 - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    That’s #%**ed up Craig. Even for u….

  6. jm91rs - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:56 PM

    Damn Craig, I’m not even gonna bother entering now. Pretty sure you’re gonna win that one.

    • albertmn - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:16 PM

      Good essay, but it will win only if he can get Howard to show up at the game.

  7. RickyB - Jun 28, 2013 at 2:57 PM

    A couple of points on this. First, the IronPigs GM is calling this “the most highly-coveted ‘out-of-the-box’ promotion in IronPigs history.” I’m sorry, sounds more like an in-the-box promotion …

    Second, what happens if a 20-year-old wins the contest and doesn’t die until the age of 90 or so? What guarantee does this person have that the businesses will still be around and they can collect on the prize? Does the winner have to pay taxes on the prize now? Or will the winner’s family have to pay taxes on it when the prize pays off?

    • southpaw2k - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:08 PM

      My first question about this contest was what happens if a really young person wins the contest and lives to an old age. And what if the funeral home goes out of business during the course of the winner’s life? Is the prize transferable to another funeral home? What if science cracks the ability to cryogenically freeze a human being, and the winner ultimately chooses that route instead of death?

  8. rbj1 - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:12 PM

    Dear Iron Pigs,

    Come on, I’ve been more deader for far longer than Ryan Howard.

    Alex Rodriguez’s reputation.

    • paperlions - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:49 PM

      Dear Alex Rodriquez’s reputation:

      We appreciate your desire to participate in our contest. However, as you were cremated long ago, we do not feel the prize will meet your needs and will not accept your entry.


      Kurt Landes
      General Manager
      Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs

      • rbj1 - Jun 28, 2013 at 4:38 PM

        Well played sir, well played.

  9. hk62 - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:19 PM

    Craig – you entry made me cry, laughing so hard! Winner.

  10. footballfan01 - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    This is a prize I’m really …

    ( •_•)>⌐■-■

    dying to win.

  11. stlouis1baseball - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:28 PM

    Oh burn…in. your. face.

  12. strk3 - Jun 28, 2013 at 3:54 PM

    Stay classy, Craig.

  13. micknangold - Jun 28, 2013 at 4:05 PM

    Their marketing director is the Tall Man.

    • heyblueyoustink - Jun 28, 2013 at 4:21 PM

      *That* particular reference will not go unnoted.

  14. heyblueyoustink - Jun 28, 2013 at 4:28 PM

    So, the zombie apocalypse began with Ryan Howard, eh?

    Well, as a representative of part of the fan bases of the Phillies, I give you my whole hearted apologies, as it seems Dan Uggla and BJ Upton have both also been infected….. possibly by a stronger mutated strain.

    Best Wishes,


  15. nickynick04 - Jun 28, 2013 at 5:35 PM

    OMG !
    This is so awesome !
    I will forever be an Ironpigs fan !
    Great idea….

  16. newpairofsox - Jun 28, 2013 at 8:04 PM

    Will comment once I stop laughing.

  17. tigersfandan - Jun 28, 2013 at 10:31 PM

    This prize is one too die for.

    • tigersfandan - Jun 28, 2013 at 10:32 PM

      I love how I ruined that with a typo.

  18. Old Gator - Jun 28, 2013 at 11:27 PM

    Photo from Olivier’s Hamlet – hands down the best Shakespeare on film ever (challenged only by Paul Scofield’s Lear).

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