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Several Biogenesis players are stunningly equally ashamed of themselves

Aug 5, 2013, 4:06 PM EDT

Jordany Valdespin AP

Here are the official press releases from seven of today’s 13 suspended Biogenesis players. These are words coming straight from the heart, let me tell you.

Antonio Bastardo:

Today, I was notified by Major League Baseball that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I have decided to accept this suspension and will not exercise my rights under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made significant errors in judgment during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those errors. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Phillies’ organization, Phillies’ fans and my family, and look forward to helping the Phillies win a championship in 2014.

Fautino De Los Santos:

I was notified by Major League Baseball that I am to be suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I willingly accept this suspension and will not exercise my rights under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made certain unsound decisions during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those decisions. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Padres’ organization, their fans and most importantly, my family. I look forward to helping the San Diego Padres in 2014.

Sergio Escalona:

I was notified by Major League Baseball that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I will accept this suspension and not exercise my right under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made errors in judgment during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those errors. I will make every attempt to regain the trust and respect of the Astros’ organization, their fans and most importantly, my family. I am hopeful that I can make significant contributions to the Astros in the 2014 season.

Fernando Martinez:

I have been notified by Major League Baseball that I am to be suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I accept this suspension and will not exercise my right under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made a serious mistake during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for this mistake. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Yankees’ organization, their fans and most importantly, my family. I am hopeful that I can make significant contributions to the Yankees in 2014.

Jesus Montero:

I have been notified by the Commissioner of Major League Baseball that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I have decided to accept this suspension and not exercise my rights under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made certain mistakes during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those mistakes. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Mariners’ organization, Mariners’ fans and my family. I look forward to making significant contributions to the Mariners in 2014.

Cesar Puello:

Today, I was notified by the Commissioner of Major League Baseball that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. Out of respect for the Mets’ organization, my teammates, and my family, I have decided to accept this suspension and not exercise my rights under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made certain mistakes during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those mistakes. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Mets’ organization, Mets’ fans and my family, and ultimately helping the club win a championship.

Jordany Valdespin:

I have been notified by the Commissioner of Major League Baseball that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I have decided to accept this suspension and not exercise my rights under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made certain errors in judgment during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those errors. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Mets’ organization, Mets’ fans and my family, and look forward to contributing to the Mets in 2014.

///

Yes, you guessed it, all seven share the same lawyer.

  1. jcmeyer10 - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:07 PM

    This is what happens when everyone uses “Google Translate” to translate their formal apology.

    • sabatimus - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:17 PM

      This reads like stereo instructions..

  2. poprox13 - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:12 PM

    form letter?

  3. cutlet15 - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:13 PM

    Now that is hilarious *insert team here*

  4. commonsenseisnotcmonman - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:14 PM

    Come on Bastardo thats a full out lie, the Phillies won’t be winning a championship in 2014.

    • missthemexpos - Aug 5, 2013 at 6:07 PM

      Should get another 50 game suspension for making a false statement concerning the Phillies winning a championship in 2014.

  5. anxovies - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:14 PM

    But notice that they are all slightly different. Billing 7 times for the same basic apology! Now that’s a lawyer for the firm to be proud of!

  6. mississippimusicman - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    I want to see the MadLibs sheet the lawyer had these guys fill out.

  7. deathmonkey41 - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    Maybe MS Office 2K10 has an Steroid Apology Template?

  8. fukpittsburgh - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    Sucio Bastardo

  9. tbutler704 - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    I’ll write the statement I’d love to read from one of these guys:

    “I have been notified by the Commissioner of MLB that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I accept this suspension and the loss of income that goes along with it without hesitation.

    I took the bet that I could make it to pro baseball and make millions of dollars playing a child’s game for a living instead of driving a FedEx truck, and that even if I got caught its not like they’d make me pay back all the money or put me in jail. So, in the balance of things, even after 50 games off I’m frankly still way way ahead. God bless America, and go [insert team name]!!!”

  10. sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    Valdespin: to ‘regain’ trust and respect, they must be possessed in the first place.

  11. larryhockett - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    BREAKING NEWS by Matthew Pouliot – Athletes / celebrities don’t write their own apologies! Stay tuned for further developments involving Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

    • chiadam - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:58 PM

      What about them?

      • Tim OShenko - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:03 PM

        Santa outsources his naughty/nice list duties overseas, and the Easter Bunny is having an illicit affair with the Tooth Fairy.

      • historiophiliac - Aug 5, 2013 at 6:56 PM

        The Santa Tracker is a government fraud!

  12. ajsjr40 - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:22 PM

    You would think the lawyer might be smart enough to at least attempt to individualize the responses in an effort to make them seem personal. Then again, maybe not.

  13. scoutsaysweitersisabust - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:23 PM

    This is my most favorite post of all time. I wonder how much in fees the lawyers accepted to copy/paste/search/replace.

  14. shaggylocks - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    My favorite line comes from Montero: “I look forward to making significant contributions to the Mariners in 2014.” Yeah, the Mariners are looking forward to you making significant contributions as well.

    • kevinbnyc - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:52 PM

      That just sounds cleaner than, “I look forward to hopefully contributing to some level of the Mariners farm system in 2014 until they probably package me with some other players in a mid-year trade, and hopefully that change of scenery will cause me to be able to play catcher at near replacement level so I can then try to regain my opposite field power stroke against major league pitching someday.”

  15. icanspeel - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:30 PM

    I know it’s not advisable for them to say much, but it’d be nice to hear a player come clean and say more than a pre-written template.

  16. 18thstreet - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:31 PM

    It seems possible that Jesus Montero was over-hyped.

  17. chiadam - Aug 5, 2013 at 4:49 PM

    This is going to ruin the value of my Faustino Due Los Santos rookie card.

    • buffal0sportsfan - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:07 PM

      I thought the same exact thing

  18. bball1950 - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:18 PM

    Sounds like a pre-written script to me.

  19. vanmorrissey - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:20 PM

    Hilarious Matt. And you can be sure they’re sorry……….that they got caught. Likewise, let’s all hear how Max Scherzer feels now that Peralta is out. He sure opened his mouth about Braun, but let’s hear him rail on against a teammate.

    • historiophiliac - Aug 5, 2013 at 7:03 PM

      I’m willing to bet that DD and Leyland had a little team meeting and advised them all to not make public comments on this (in keeping w/ the team’s official statement). They do a good job of not airing grievances publicly. After the post-season thing with Miggy last year, there haven’t been more public statements about teammates. So, the correct response will be “hot tamales.”

  20. ochospantalones - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:24 PM

    I wonder how they handled the billing for this. Did they bill them all of them full freight for each apology? Bill the deepest pocket (Bastardo? None of these are big money guys) and then charge a lower rate for the rest? Craig needs to weigh in on this.

  21. chaseutley - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:27 PM

    Bastardo is ashamed that he sucks even when he’s cheating.

  22. Chip Caray's Eyebrows - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:28 PM

    More pictures of Valdespin taking a pitch to the dick, please.

  23. dafern0560 - Aug 5, 2013 at 5:32 PM

    Wow, each one of ‘em is Dominican. Coincidence, I think NOT

    • clydeserra - Aug 5, 2013 at 9:05 PM

      in that the they go to agents that cater to Dominicans, yes it is not coincidental.

      Although, I am pretty sure Montero is Venezuelan.

      • mlblogsbig3bosox - Aug 6, 2013 at 11:38 AM

        Sergio Escalona is venezuelan as well.

  24. dolphins4 - Aug 5, 2013 at 6:00 PM

    Bastardo sucks when he is on drugs so how bad will he be when he is not on drugs?

  25. pistonhurricane - Aug 5, 2013 at 6:40 PM

    Jordany Valdespin:

    I have been notified by the Commissioner of Major League Baseball that I have been suspended for 50 games for violation of the Joint Drug Agreement. I have decided to accept this suspension and not exercise my rights under the Basic Agreement to appeal. I made certain errors in judgment during the 2012 season and I accept full responsibility for those errors. I look forward to regaining the trust and respect of the Mets’ organization (except for that c*cksucker Terry Collins), Mets’ fans and my family, and look forward to contributing to some other MiLB team in 2014.

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