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Must-click link: Which superheroes would make the best baseball players?

Oct 17, 2013, 5:07 PM EDT

Batman Baseball

This is relevant to my interests. It’s from Sam Page at Sports Illustrated’s Extra Mustard and, well, I’ll let him say what it’s all about:

I’ve ported the superpowers of 100 of the biggest names in comic books into the hyper-specific sub-ratings of baseball simulator Out of the Park Baseball, simulated a 162 game season, and examined the sabermetric output … I tried to ask, with each player, “what would really happen if he or she tried to play baseball?” So, for instance, the Flash has great pitch recognition because he can slow down time. But so too do the telepaths, who can anticipate the future pitch, the Kryptotians, who can perceive life at a molecular level, and Cyclops, with his mutated spatial awareness. The Flash family (all four of them) are top base-stealers, but so are the teleporters on the X-Men.

What follows is way more thinking about the intersection of superheroes and baseball than I’ve ever encountered. And while this may gag those of you with a low tolerance for geekdom of both the sabermetric and comic book variety, it is definitely worth your time if you can handle such things.

Plus, there are universal truths imparted: such as Aquaman sucking.

  1. thomas844 - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:15 PM

    I would put Mr. Fantastic in the outfield. Imagine how many home runs he would rob.

  2. historiophiliac - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:22 PM

    Ya damn right! Amazons don’t walk.

  3. echech88 - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:24 PM

    Hulk behind the dish. Nobody is gonna try to knock him over at the plate

    • cur68 - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:05 PM

      Hulk at the plate: “HULK SMAAAAAAASHHHHH!”

      • indaburg - Oct 18, 2013 at 8:20 AM

        I thought that was Napoli?

  4. georgewashingtonsghost - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:30 PM

    That’s awesome!

  5. hojo20 - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:32 PM

    Ace and Gary are good with balls.

  6. glenuendo - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:50 PM

    “And because star hitter Hourman’s powers are contingent on the drug ‘miraclo,’ he’ll miss 100 games this season on a PED suspension”

    That is epic!!!

  7. clarenceoveur - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:08 PM

    Aquaman would definitely show the most grit and play the game “the right way”.

    • madhatternalice - Oct 17, 2013 at 10:07 PM

      Yeah, but after every home run, he’d yell out, “Outstanding!”

  8. yankeepunk3000 - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:25 PM

    just geeked myself out with the article loved it. Now we should make a movie of justice league vs the avengers in a major league game. (drooling)

  9. nbjays - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:59 PM

    “Aquaman’s 26 overall rating (out of 80) is the lowest in the game because baseball isn’t played on water, you useless joke of a hero.”

    He might suck during the game, but he’d be awesome during the in-pool celebration at Chase Field.

  10. rbj1 - Oct 17, 2013 at 7:37 PM

    There has never been teleportation in baseball. Teleporting is not playing the game the right way.

    /Braves and Cardinals.

    • 4d3fect - Oct 17, 2013 at 11:17 PM

      Ah, yes, but in blernsball..

  11. randomdigits - Oct 17, 2013 at 8:52 PM

    Anyone else irritated that the author doesn’t think Beast could handle third with ease? Hello? Superhuman agility.

  12. decimusprime - Oct 17, 2013 at 9:00 PM

    Bruce Wayne had 2 HB’s…somebody needs a Bat-gadget to help with his control.

    He might have been trying to instigate a bench clearing Mega brawl….but there was no retaliation it seemed.

    • ptfu - Oct 17, 2013 at 11:36 PM

      Yeah, I don’t know many hitters who would charge the mound on Batman.

      Anyway, Batman’s got nothing to lose by trying to start a brawl. The ump is already going to throw him out sooner or later for doctoring the ball with something from the Bat-belt. Might as well limit Batman’s innings, and thus the ump’s chances at noticing shenanigans, and make him a closer or high-leverage reliever. You wouldn’t even need to call the bullpen, just shine the Bat-Signal when the tying run is at bat or on base.

  13. jmblosser82 - Oct 17, 2013 at 9:17 PM

    He wasn’t saying beast couldn’t handle playing 3B, just that he wasn’t as fast as the justice league in-field.

    • randomdigits - Oct 18, 2013 at 12:00 PM

      He compared to MCab. There is no way that isn’t an insult.

  14. misterj167 - Oct 18, 2013 at 6:23 AM

    The guy has Xavier pitching for the X-Men, apparently he thinks he has telekinesis, and I agree with one commenter who pointed out that none of the teams has Spider-Man.

    They should have a team of supervillains as well…

    • randomdigits - Oct 18, 2013 at 12:01 PM

      Bullseye is a former professional pitcher.

      Taskmaster could throw any pitch.

      • misterj167 - Oct 18, 2013 at 2:44 PM

        Yeah Bullseye would be a great pitcher in terms of control, but he couldn’t throw faster than any other normal human, which is to say he couldn’t top Kimbrel or Chapman. Which would mean guys like Superman would probably homer against him in every at-bat, shots even Yellowstone couldn’t hold.

    • randomdigits - Oct 18, 2013 at 3:35 PM

      Maybe the Prof uses his mind control to make them think the ball is moving?

      Of course for that to work then MM has to just be very bad at baseball.

  15. temporarilyexiled - Oct 18, 2013 at 9:07 AM

    I vote for The Machine.

    I’d find him…and even Brian Wilson himself…less disturbing than Batman with a bat.

    Let the thumbs downs begin…

  16. jiminthebay - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:58 AM

    i aint playing nobody who wears their jock outside their pants

  17. makeham98 - Oct 18, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    Incredible Hulk issue 435

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