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The Red Sox are in trouble with the American Mustache Institute

Oct 25, 2013, 5:44 PM EDT

mike napoli red sox getty Getty Images

This is somewhat less serious than an investigation from the Department of Labor.  But it is scary all the same!  A letter from the American Mustache Institute to the General Counsel of the Boston Red Sox:

We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.

However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.

It’s an open and shut case, frankly. They’re probably seeking an injunction to force-shave the Sox before tomorrow night’s game as we speak.

  1. m3dman3 - Oct 25, 2013 at 5:51 PM

    This can not be real. America land of the not free.

    • peterjohnjoseph - Oct 25, 2013 at 5:55 PM

      I told you all, there needs to be an international symbol for sarcasm, and none of your believed me!

      Look, now people are defecting because of it.

      • cohnjusack - Oct 25, 2013 at 6:01 PM

        NO PETER! Please, let him go through his life thinking a powerful cabal of mustachioed Americans has final approval over all facial hair! I want to see what kind of job he ends up with believing that!

      • peterjohnjoseph - Oct 25, 2013 at 7:32 PM

        Well cohn, once again, when you put it that way.. fine.

        Wait until he finds out about the National Federation for Blind coming after the MLB for letting a legally blind man in Jake Peavy go up against another vision impaired pitcher in Joe Kelly… Hell will be payed.

    • indaburg - Oct 25, 2013 at 7:10 PM

      This is not real.

      In case you are not convinced…

      I did a little investigative reporting. In other words. Google. I was curious about this American Mustache Institute. Was the whole institute a joke?

      The AMI does indeed exist. They are basically the ACLU for the Mustachioed People of America. They fight discrimination against people with facial hair. That part is not a joke. I know. But guess from where they hail? According to their web site, the city of St. Louis. This is just a sneaky, underhanded plot by the people of St. Louis to rid the Red Sox of the source of their greatness: their beards! (In other words, it’s just a joke.)

      Apparently, the AMI, unbeknownst to me, has been involved in baseball in the past. Back in 2008, they endorsed Jason Giambi’s “lip fur” for the All Star team, ultimately resulting in the first mustache giveaway at Yankee Stadium.

      In other news, I need a life.

      • proudlycanadian - Oct 25, 2013 at 8:00 PM

        If you need a life, consider a move to Canada. Not sure that I could recommend the winters in Edmonton, but winter is bearable in Vancouver and Toronto.

      • indaburg - Oct 26, 2013 at 9:24 AM

        I’ve never been to Toronto, but it’s definitely on my list of Places to Visit since my goal is to go to all the major league parks before my life is complete.

        I’ve been to Vancouver and Edmonton (NOT in the winter) and I found both cities lovely.

      • raysfan1 - Oct 25, 2013 at 8:57 PM

        Why would she do that? She lives in Tampa/St Pete, where half the residents of Ontario already spends the winter months!

      • nbjays - Oct 25, 2013 at 9:57 PM

        PC, how the hell can winter be bearable in Toronto when they have the Leafs?

      • natsattack - Oct 26, 2013 at 10:48 AM

        The AMI also wants a $250 tax deduction for the cost of “maintaining and grooming” a mustache.

      • Francisco (FC) - Oct 26, 2013 at 10:51 AM

        Leafs? Don’t those simply fall down and die in the winter?

  2. Carl Hancock - Oct 25, 2013 at 5:54 PM

    They are being represented by the same lawyer representing Jack Clark in his Pujols lawsuit.

  3. yousuxxors - Oct 25, 2013 at 6:37 PM

    if this is real I’m moving to another country

  4. j0esixpack - Oct 25, 2013 at 7:10 PM

    We all knew it was just a matter of time before the SDMAL reared it’s ugly head

  5. megary - Oct 25, 2013 at 7:26 PM

    It is my new life goal to use “mustacheularity” in a sentence at least once a month.

  6. junglerat524 - Oct 25, 2013 at 8:37 PM

    My pee smells like ham.

  7. rdav29 - Oct 25, 2013 at 11:53 PM

    Someone please tell a Dirty Sanchez joke

  8. kavika6 - Oct 26, 2013 at 7:30 AM

    Ugliest team ever.

  9. coolmoe14 - Oct 26, 2013 at 7:58 AM

    What?

  10. bigred0021 - Oct 27, 2013 at 6:09 AM

    This explains Jim Joyce’s call last night.

  11. drelms - Oct 28, 2013 at 11:39 AM

    there you go again calcatera, adding nothing to the sports enthusiasts out there with your meaningless drivel.

    Does anyone really read calcatera’s $hit or you just enjoy writing comments?

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