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We could’ve had a movie called “Go to Hell, Mike Piazza”

Nov 7, 2013, 9:08 AM EDT

Los Aneles Dodgers

Ben Stiller is kinda vexing. Sometimes he’s pretty great (see, “The Ben Stiller Show,” “Zero Effect,” “Royal Tenenbaums”) sometimes he’s pretty insufferable (see, “Most Everything Else He’s Done”).  I can’t decide how this one woulda played out on that continuum, but I think I would’ve at least gone and seen it.

The movie: a script from the early 2000s in which Stiller played a character with a longstanding personal vendetta against Mike Piazza. Who would’ve played himself in the movie:

The draft of the script I have opens on superstar catcher Mike Piazza playing a game for the New York Mets in 1998 when a naked guy runs onto the field. With the words “Piazza sucks” painted across his chest and “Piazza can kiss my ass” on his back (with an arrow downward, of course), the naked guy screams at Piazza as he kicks dirt at him and avoids security while the crowd cheers him on. We freeze frame and hear a voiceover: “Wait, maybe I should start from the beginning…”

An entire plot summary is at the link. Complete with Tommy Lasorda cameo.

Obviously Piazza and Stiller are now too old to do this — it requires a current major leaguer — but I sorta feel like this one can and should be done with someone else.

Bryce Harper: call your agent.

  1. crispybasil - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:13 AM

    Really looking forward to “Being Craig Calcaterra” myself.

    • DelawarePhilliesFan - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:49 AM

      Well played!

      • Old Gator - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:25 AM

        I’ll be waiting by the drainpipe for his autograph.

    • moogro - Nov 7, 2013 at 1:07 PM

      With ‘Cepts in the John Cusack role.

  2. chill1184 - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    Possibly couldnt be worse than most of the crap that Hollywood produces these days

  3. zzalapski - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:29 AM

    Did they ask Murray Chass for financial backing?

  4. xdj511 - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:36 AM

    Only if they hired Guillermo Mota to throw beanballs at his head. That’s the only way this movie would’ve worked.

    • ptfu - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:03 AM

      Roger Clemens could be the understudy. Or acting coach. Or stunt double. Or financial backer. Or something.

    • JuniorGriffey'sRecliner - Nov 7, 2013 at 11:43 AM

      Did you read the article in the link? That’s exactly what happens in the movie. It takes Piazza 3 months to regain motor function.

  5. DelawarePhilliesFan - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:48 AM

    Sometimes he’s pretty great (see, “The Ben Stiller Show,” “Zero Effect,” “Royal Tenenbaums”) sometimes he’s pretty insufferable (see, “Most Everything Else He’s Done”)

    Just so we are all clear – in which bucket do you put “Something About Mary”?

    • Liam - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:01 AM

      Who cares about Ben Stiller anyway? The man has only one movie for Christ’s sake! There’s Something About Mary, Meet The Parents, Dodgeball? They’re the same movie! Doesn’t anyone notice this?! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills

      • Old Gator - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:27 AM

        If you were seeing Jonathan Richman singing from a tree in The Parents and Dodgeball, perhaps someone was spiking your daily dose of baby aspirin with psilocybin. Richman’s presence changes everything.

      • themuddychicken - Nov 7, 2013 at 11:17 AM

        It’s ok Liam, I thought your Zoolander reference was pretty obvious

      • DelawarePhilliesFan - Nov 7, 2013 at 11:30 AM

        Everyone is entitled to their opinions – but Something About Mary and Dodgeball are not similar at all

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Nov 7, 2013 at 2:22 PM

        Everyone is entitled to their opinions – but Something About Mary and Dodgeball are not similar at all

        It’s ok Liam, I thought your Zoolander reference was pretty obvious

        Ahem…

  6. sdelmonte - Nov 7, 2013 at 9:52 AM

    Stiller was great in Mystery Men.

  7. nickmiller63 - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    Stiller’s fine; everything else he did is no more insufferable than the output of any other performer.

    You, CC, are insufferable. It’s so obvious that one wonders if you were hired to do nothing but troll. Are you a troll?

    • moogro - Nov 7, 2013 at 1:10 PM

      nickmiller is really mickstiller, Ben Stiller’s cousin.

  8. piratecaptain12 - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    Dodgeball, heavyweights, zoolander, tropic thunder, and something about Mary were all very enjoyable.

  9. charlutes - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:10 AM

    See everything else he’s done? Tropic Thunder? Star sky and Hutch? Zoolander???

    You’re a straight up fool, keep writing ur little baseball blog Craig.

  10. farvite - Nov 7, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    Jesus Monteiro

    Well, I’d guess you have to be a viable Major Leaguer, not some overhyped Yankee farm product to land a movie role.

  11. JuniorGriffey'sRecliner - Nov 7, 2013 at 11:26 AM

    The plot summary in the link is hilarious. Someone needs to make this happen.

    This sounds like a job for Kickstarter. Shut up and take my money!

  12. jhuston85 - Nov 7, 2013 at 12:13 PM

    your an idiot calcaterra. Of all the stiller movies those are the best!? lay off the water there chief…oops hope I didn’t offend any native americans

  13. dcarroll73 - Nov 7, 2013 at 1:14 PM

    Sorry to interrupt the Ben Stiller religious war, but when I saw the headline for this one, I expected the movie plot was about the Hall of Fame voters (I’m a Yanks and Giants fan so the Mets and Dodgers are not my favorites, but Piazza is on the list with the heading, “If they don’t put him in, close the place.”)

  14. Kevin Gillman - Nov 7, 2013 at 2:40 PM

    I think Stiller and Mike Piazza combination would have been comedy gold.

  15. louhudson23 - Nov 7, 2013 at 3:52 PM

    Tropic of Thunder was an excellent and very enjoyable movie,both in concept and execution.

  16. mvd513 - Nov 7, 2013 at 3:53 PM

    You can hate on Stiller on you want, but if you dont like Mystery Men or Theres Something About Mary, you’re retarded.

  17. saintsfire - Nov 7, 2013 at 5:04 PM

    you’uns forgot

    Night at the Museum

    how could you?

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