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Great. I got traded to the Phillies. Even though I was in the Best Shape of My Life.

Mar 13, 2014, 4:28 PM EDT

Schroeder: What do you mean Craig Calcaterra wasn’t so great? 

Lucy: He never got his picture on bubblegum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his picture on a bubblegum card? Hmmm? How can you say someone is great who’s never had his picture on bubblegum cards? 

Schroeder: Good grief. 

Take that, Lucy:




This awesomeness comes from my friend and longtime HBT (and ShysterBall) reader Levi Stahl and his wife Stacey Shintani. They are throwing an Opening Day party on March 22 and made these things up as invitations. Stacey, my sources tell me, did the design and photo work while Levi was responsible for the somewhat offensive editorial content on the back of the card. Also: there was a stick of gum in the pack. UPDATE: I wasn’t aware of this when I first posted, but I believe the cards were made with the totally awesome Rookies App, which I can’t imagine not having before now.

And it’s also worth noting that Levi’s reference to Operation Shutdown on the back is apropos. If I got traded to the Phillies, it’d definitely be time for Operation Shutdown. I do NOT compete with Cody Asche for playing time, Jack. Especially if it means playing in freakin’ Philly.

  1. tfbuckfutter - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:30 PM


    Craig has never been to third base in his life.

    • historiophiliac - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:54 PM

      Pretty sure he’s struck out more than that too.

      • tfbuckfutter - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:04 PM

        Adam Dunnsian, perhaps?

    • kiwicricket - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:04 PM

      You’re confusing Craig with Gleeman.

    • Kevin S. - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:10 PM

      And yet he has two kids…

      • tfbuckfutter - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:19 PM

        You don’t get invited to many parties, do you?

    • Old Gator - Mar 14, 2014 at 8:20 AM

      If Craig can’t play third base, he’d’ve been a natural for the Feesh. They haven’t had a real third baseman since Mike Lowell, and Craig loves Cuban food. I have seen this.

  2. Delicious Cake - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:34 PM

    I immediately recognized those 2013 stats as those of Ryan Howard’s. Not sure whose stats those are for 2012.

    • cohnjusack - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:57 PM

      Why son, the 2012 line was an MVP season!

      That is Terry Pendleton’s stat line from 1991.

    • 18thstreet - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:10 PM

      I was noticing what an impression ISO he had, despite the drop in batting average.

  3. martywinn - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:35 PM


  4. xdj511 - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:37 PM

    *butthead voice* That is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

    I downloaded the “rookies” app on my phone that you can custom make your own cards, but there were only a handful of designs and the information you could tinker with was very limited.

    1987 Topps, man, that was a classic design.

    • themanytoolsofignorance - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:42 PM

      *beavis voice* Yeah! Yeah! heheheh…heheheh….

  5. halladaysbiceps - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:38 PM


    • tfbuckfutter - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:43 PM

      And also because it’s a good opportunity to put Barry Bonds’ 1987 Topps card here.

      • halladaysbiceps - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:45 PM

        Yes. It is a good opportunity, tfbuckfutter.

    • kiwicricket - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:53 PM

      Give it a rest, man.

    • halladaysbiceps - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:57 PM

      Continue to thumb me down. I think this is the most important subject on HBT in the history of the website, those that are pro-steroid and those that are anti-steroid. I’m anti-steroid.

      • yahmule - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:59 PM

        You’re pro-being the board omega.

      • jkcalhoun - Mar 13, 2014 at 6:33 PM

        We’ll have to remember to put that on the back of your baseball card.

      • apkyletexas - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:47 PM

        I just texted with Barry. He said he’s anti-halladaysbiceps.

        Said that you’ve been robbing poor HBT commentards of a pleasant trolling experience, and that he’s going to find you and crush you with his bare hands until there’s only enough of you left to stick into a syringe. And then he’s going to inject that syringe and then go hit some home run balls into McCovey Cove.

        True story.

    • dcarroll73 - Mar 14, 2014 at 6:52 AM

      What was that annoying buzz?

  6. balfe13 - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:41 PM

    Pretty sure a debate requires the use of actual logic… So, no.

  7. yahmule - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:43 PM

    Was the gum coated in some kind of pink dust and did it cut the roof of your mouth? Now that’s verisimilitude.

  8. paperlions - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:46 PM

    3B? and with power? Calcaterra?

    I see him as more of a scraptastic utility IF type with no power, no speed, no tools at all….but just bucket loads of grit and TWTW

    • themanytoolsofignorance - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:57 PM

      So Nick Punto is his muse, then?

      • paperlions - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:23 PM

        Sure…or David Eckstein with less hair.

      • themanytoolsofignorance - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:36 PM

        what are the guiding behaviors with these thumb things? I see one down for me making a little fun of Nick Punto. I see you with one for a similar harmless crack about Eckstein. Are we to assume that it is in fact Punto and Eckstein thumbing us down? I mean, who else would care? Could it be Craig doing this? Is there an actual Punto/Eckstein fan out there? Surely not. might as well believe in unicorns and fairies

        I wish I was in the sciences. i think ‘thumbing behavior’ might be worth looking into. Do you think anyone would give a person money to chase that?

      • apkyletexas - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:52 PM

        Once you get 10 thumbs down, your soul gets damned to hell for eternity. You’re at 7 already, so better slow it down a bit.

      • themanytoolsofignorance - Mar 14, 2014 at 8:05 AM

        Doomed, I guess

      • sumkat - Mar 14, 2014 at 3:21 AM

        making a joke and not being funny = thumbs down

        It’s not the chosen targets, it’s the lack of a punchline

      • themanytoolsofignorance - Mar 14, 2014 at 8:04 AM

        Thank you internet cop

    • spudchukar - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:57 PM

      The 8 triples, and 10 steals was a pretty good clue it was a phony. I might buy into the LOOGY scenario though.

      • paperlions - Mar 14, 2014 at 6:56 PM

        Feeling better about Wong after his last few games? He’s been hitting some balls REALLY hard. I’m feeling better. He seems way more relaxed, letting the game (and at bats) come to him rather than forcing it.

      • spudchukar - Mar 15, 2014 at 12:45 PM

        Yeah, me too, some real pop, and you can see the confidence grow. Hope it stays. If he becomes an offensive force and the Cards also get significant help from Peralta, that line-up is going to be nasty.

        Plus guys like Grichuk, Scruggs, and Butler are all impressing. I am still trying to find out if one can bet on Memphis to take it all.

    • yahmule - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:01 PM

      I see him as Ray Oyler.

      Sorry about the premature demise there, Craig.

      • yahmule - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM

      • yahmule - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:03 PM

        Would anybody be that shocked if Ruben gave him a four year deal?

      • thedoubleentandres - Mar 14, 2014 at 9:19 AM

        Spoiler Alert!!!!!
        Lol way to go!! Im half way through ball four and had no idea Ray Oyler was about to be killed off

      • yahmule - Mar 14, 2014 at 10:10 AM

        Don Mincher sat on him.

    • historiophiliac - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM

      Well, in all fairness, all their good 3B prospects left in previous years because they were blocked by Larry Jones. Incidentally, it was all those years in Larry’s shadow that made Calcaterra so pasty white.

  9. natstowngreg - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:47 PM

    Third base? Nah, setup reliever. That picture confirms my impression from the other day. Craig is the clubhouse leader in the Tyler Clippard Lookalike Contest. Lack of hair is a problem, but the glasses make up for it.

    And yes, this corner of the Internet would find you with the Phillies one of the more hilarious events in recent human history. When you came to Nats Park, I’d boo you. And I don’t boo anyone (well, there was that one time with Pedro Martinez…)

    • apkyletexas - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:55 PM

      Craig looks like a big, buff steroid-user compared to my favorite reliever when I was young – Kent Tekulve:

  10. chaseutley - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:54 PM

    Look at the bright side: Your lack of production would likely result in a demotion to Lehigh Valley.
    You know what that means?
    That’s right! Getting paid to play baseball with a strip of bacon on your hat!
    If that’s not the American Dream, I don’t know what is.

    • dcarroll73 - Mar 14, 2014 at 6:57 AM

      If that’s real bacon, I’ll eat my hat (no really …)

      • chaseutley - Mar 14, 2014 at 10:46 AM

        Old Eddie Harris from Major League would figure out a way to make it happen.

  11. rbj1 - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:56 PM

    Hey, at least it’s not the Marlins.

  12. sdelmonte - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:59 PM

    Did it come with a stick of gum so fragile that breathing on it makes it shatter?

    And can we commission cards for the rest of the HBT crew?

  13. kiwicricket - Mar 13, 2014 at 4:59 PM

    Thankfully, striking out 95 times in 286 AB’s will still keep you on the 2013 Phillies roster…

    • clemente2 - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:12 PM

      And be paid millions….

  14. kiwicricket - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:01 PM

    I would picture more of a Rex Hudler type….but with less hair.

  15. infieldhit - Mar 13, 2014 at 5:53 PM

    Some of us on an SB Nation blog once tried coming up with designs for a Waffletown Syrups logo, but that one’s not too bad.

  16. doctorofsmuganomics - Mar 13, 2014 at 6:08 PM

    And we were right. It is funny.

    Score another one for the internet!

  17. ninozlatino - Mar 13, 2014 at 6:25 PM

    the good news is that Philly would toss ur butt back where u came from troll. ur non stories are boring and the anti-Philly sentiment is returned to u a hundred fold believe it.

    • clemente2 - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:20 PM

      Annnnnnddd, we have a Phillie phan!

    • doctorofsmuganomics - Mar 13, 2014 at 9:22 PM

      Learn how to format a sentence before I remove your thumbs

  18. mrmcl - Mar 13, 2014 at 6:37 PM

    How come women who work in sports must be beautiful but you can get away with a mug like that? It’s good to be a man — a pasty, bespectacled, slow-witted bald man.

    • jamaicanjasta - Mar 13, 2014 at 8:10 PM

      So what you’re is that saying Craig is George Costanza and the Braves traded him and his salary to the Phillies for chicken dogs, chicken twists and alcoholic chicken? That sounds about right.

    • yahmule - Mar 14, 2014 at 12:03 AM

      He’s not slow witted.

  19. schmedley69 - Mar 13, 2014 at 7:52 PM

    I was lucky enough to get one of the first production runs of the card which has the nickname that Phillies fans use for Craig on the microphone.

  20. nymets4ever - Mar 13, 2014 at 8:50 PM

    Someone remind Craig that the Phillies have actually won a World Series in the recent past, whereas the last time his stupid racist Braves won it all, grungy flannel jackets and ripped jeans were still all the rage.

    • jamaicanjasta - Mar 13, 2014 at 9:48 PM

      Things that happened in the year the Mets last won a World Series:

      -Voyager 2 reached Uranus
      -Argentina beat West Germany to win the World Cup
      -Challenger disaster

      I know from your trolling here that you’re not too bright, but a fan of a team that hasn’t won a WS since before the fall of the USSR has no business telling anyone their win wasn’t “recent” enough.

      • nymets4ever - Mar 13, 2014 at 10:14 PM

        Uuh…this article was posted by a Braves fan bashing the Phillies, so I just pointed out that the latter has had way more recent success than the former. I didn’t mention anything about the Mets’ championships because they weren’t involved in this post whatsoever, and they still aren’t despite your desperate attempt to drag them into the discussion and obscure my main point, dumbass. Haha

      • jamaicanjasta - Mar 13, 2014 at 10:32 PM

        Sadly your post lends credence to the studies that have shown almost a quarter of American adults can’t read at a 5th grade level. This article wasn’t about bashing the Phillies at all. I mean, unless you consider Craig receive a funny invitation ‘bashing’.

        What relevancy do Phillies’ championships versus those of the Braves have in this article anyway? Or your thoughts about early 90’s fashion?

        Oh that’s right, you’re the guy who thinks Ruben Tejada is ready to ‘turn his career around’ with an OPS between the majors and minors floating in the mid .600’s. As someone else mentioned earlier, it’s hard to parse what’s more rancid; your drool-worthy posts or Tejada’s play.

  21. thenaturalmevs - Mar 13, 2014 at 10:47 PM

    I wish I had friends like this. That is so cool.

  22. infieldhit - Mar 13, 2014 at 11:30 PM

    Now Schroeder just needs to replace the Beethoven bust on his piano with a bust of Craig.

  23. moogro - Mar 13, 2014 at 11:41 PM

    Pictured with Kay?

  24. sumkat - Mar 14, 2014 at 3:18 AM

    of course you wouldn’t want to play in Philly. Philly fans expect their players to have a spine

  25. mungman69 - Mar 14, 2014 at 5:55 AM

    I woke up this morning and got myself a beer.

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