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Joe Torre issues a statement on the Michael Pineda pine tar thing — we translate it for you.

Apr 11, 2014, 1:47 PM EDT

joe torre getty Getty Images

Let’s play “Translate Joe Torre.” Here’s what his mouth said:

“The umpires did not observe an application of a foreign substance during the game and the issue was not raised by the Red Sox. Given those circumstances, there are no plans to issue a suspension, but we intend to talk to the Yankees regarding what occurred.”

Here’s what he actually meant to convey:

“Look, we all saw what was going on because the TV cameras are awesome these days. The Red Sox saw it too. And I imagine the umpires did too, but I am going to say they didn’t ‘observe’ it because those are totally two different things and who wants to open up that friggin’ can of worms? Anyway, everyone uses sunscreen and pine tar and crap, and we are going to tell the Yankees that, lest they ruin it for EVERYONE, they had best make sure their pitchers are a little less bleedin’ obvious about it.”

  1. renaado - Apr 11, 2014 at 1:59 PM

    Haven’t watched the game but if McCann was catching Pineda at that game there he might know a thing or two.

  2. moogro - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:09 PM

    Sounds similar to when the dorm Resident Assistant says, “party all you want, just keep it quiet and behind closed doors. Otherwise, I have to talk to you.”

  3. sdelmonte - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:09 PM

    So if someone is actually caught, will anyone do anything?

    • renaado - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:13 PM

      Sadly but I think probably not, We all know they’re goin to make some kinds of reasons for this if they were caught and they’ll probably do anything just to prevent that.

    • Wesley Clark - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:25 PM

      Sure. Umpires will eject the pitcher and then a suspension of some sort. Pitchers are rarely challenged by the other manager due to the fact that they set themselves up when one of their pitchers is doctoring the ball. When a manager does challemge, hillarity ensues.

  4. indaburg - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:10 PM

    The Yankees are lucky that Davey Johnson wasn’t managing against them last night.

  5. DelawarePhilliesFan - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:13 PM

    You know….every sport has there situations of rules they don’t enforce: pass interference late in a game, hand checking in the NBA that is in fact a foul, etc. But it just seems to me that baseball is there own worst enemies in regards to the rules they don’t enforce.

    Would it really be that hard to just create a list of allowed foreign substances on the ball that don’t create an unfair advantage? Yes, the list will always be incomplete, but it could be revised from year to year.

    I suppose that would lead to other rules being enforced…which in turn could lead to close examination of balls and strikes, and ultimately (gulp) FORCE FIELDS!!!!

  6. uyf1950 - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:14 PM

    After the media has raised this issue to the level of Defcon 1 and the Doomsday Clock was been moved to within 1 minute of midnight Global catastrophe was avoided last night when whatever the substance was that Pineda had on his hand was removed by the 5th inning. Can we all please move on.

    • uyf1950 - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:16 PM

      correction: “has” been moved….

      Please forgive the typo.

      • nothanksimdriving123 - Apr 11, 2014 at 4:11 PM

        Well, uyf, FWIW, if we’re editing, “media” is the plural of medium, so it would go well with “have” as opposed to “has”. And a comma would look really sharp after “midnight”.

      • theslew - Apr 13, 2014 at 1:31 PM

        If you read the correction, it was referring to the doomsday clock and not the media, so ‘has’ is the proper word. I think a period would be better after midnight rather than a comma, but I am not grammar expert.

      • theslew - Apr 13, 2014 at 1:32 PM

        Nevermind, I see you were just adding more corrections…lol

    • rje49 - Apr 11, 2014 at 4:20 PM

      So, Ultimate Yankee Fan, shall we just forget about the first 4 innings and replay them? Then we can move on.

  7. greymares - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:15 PM

    Let me know when the Yankees aren’t cheating, that’s newsworthy.

    • uyf1950 - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:17 PM

      I guess they had good teachers with Buchholz and Lester last year.

      • churchoftheperpetuallyoutraged - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:36 PM

        And Kenny Rogers with Det in the playoffs, and the pitcher for the astros yesterday, and Dirk Hayhurst saying almost every pitcher uses this stuff…

      • drewzducks - Apr 11, 2014 at 4:37 PM

        Using that logic I’d have to wonder which of your beloved Yanks “mentored” Big Papi in ’03. So many options to choose from.

    • Wesley Clark - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:27 PM

      Every (and I mean EVERY) team cheats. If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying.

    • nyyanksrdbest - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:42 PM

      Let me know when the haters aren’t whining, that’s newsworthy.

  8. electstat - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:46 PM

    His statement was clear and in english. It didn’t need any translation.

  9. miguelcairo - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:51 PM

    Why is the translation longer than the original statement?

  10. sabresfanallday - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:53 PM

    Clay doesn’t get in trouble for using sunscreen why should Pineda get caught for pine tar

  11. voidhelix - Apr 11, 2014 at 2:57 PM

    Pitchers can cheat anyway they want, just as long as they don`t inject it into their body while doing it……

    Baseball`s hypocrisy on cheating / substance abuse is freaking disturbing. And let`s not forget, this is a Yankee. They`re the primary brand for Selig and baseball. You don`t bite the residue covered hand that feeds.

  12. nymets4ever - Apr 11, 2014 at 3:12 PM

    Uhh….Torre doesn’t need you being his “translator”

    • dcarroll73 - Apr 12, 2014 at 12:14 AM

      Since this apparently bothers you and yet the title clearly read, “we translate it for you”, WHY in the name of Shea did you read it? I will again restate the obvious (at least to non-Mets fans) Craig can post what he d@mn well pleases but you don’t have to read it. Is this too complex?

  13. sfm073 - Apr 11, 2014 at 3:59 PM

    If pitchers can obviously cheat then why can hitters cork their bat?

    • righthandofjustice - Apr 11, 2014 at 5:57 PM

      I don’t think anybody can be sure hitters are not corking their bats now. The umpires just don’t examine bats and balls in the dirt like they did 20-30 years ago.

      In the 1980s, umpires used to check the balls when they hit the dirt, the pitchers and gloves every few innings. They even asked to x-ray the bats of some players (I think one of them was Howard Johnson of the Mets).

      MLB is clearly turning a blind eye on all kinds of cheats, not just PEDs. Even if the cheaters were busted… so what? The League never punished them. Teams can use binoculars to steal signs in one game, get caught but let go, and come back a few games later and use other electronic device to do the same and communicate it via their cell phones, get caught again and yet still no punishment.

  14. jeffberk2014 - Apr 11, 2014 at 6:03 PM

    While we’re at it, perhaps we can watch Jeter to see if he actually tags a base stealer at 2nd base. The next time will be the first time.

    • dcarroll73 - Apr 12, 2014 at 12:21 AM

      And Jeter is outside the normal distribution for all MLB shortstops in what way? Obviously your statement is hyperbole to the point of absurdity since anyone who has watched very many Yankee games has seen at least one of those “out-by-two-feet-just-slide-into-the-waiting-glove” plays. Jeter is no different from other shortstops in the swipe tag on close plays. If you don’t like that, cry me a river.

  15. gloccamorra - Apr 11, 2014 at 9:12 PM

    Excellent translation, Caraig. I hope you’ll consider tackling hockey’s blue line rules next.

  16. deedee2die4 - Apr 12, 2014 at 7:30 AM

    We’re relying on Joe Torre regarding cheating? Really? Joe looked the other way for his entire tenure as manager of the Yankees. Think a guy that spent his whole adult life in baseball was unaware that he was managing the biggest and most expensive collection of cheats in sports history? If he didn’t know, than he’s too stupid to have this gig. But of course he knew, …

    Joe Torre is part of the problem in MLB, not the answer.

  17. smokersodysseycom - Apr 12, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    Oh hell! the bosucks are always whining. This is all after he fact, the game is over. New
    game today…play ball! smokersodysseycom

  18. rrw1313 - Apr 13, 2014 at 11:40 AM

    It’s the Yankers their allowed to get away with more. Heck they even get an advantage on instant replay challenges because the replay booth doesn’t have all the angles.

  19. toledotigerfan - Apr 13, 2014 at 1:26 PM

    As long as the pine tar wasn’t ingested, what’s the problem?

  20. observer82ab - Apr 13, 2014 at 6:28 PM

    I do not care at all for the Yankees, but if Boston doesn’t complain why should anyone else?

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