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The Rays stink. Literally.

May 14, 2014, 8:47 AM EDT

Cologne

The Rays pulled out a win late last night, but overall they’re in last place and the only team with a worse record than they have in the American League is the Houston Astros. But that’s not why they stink. This is:

[David Price] slapped on some after-shave, courtesy of manager Joe Maddon, who brought in seven bottles of cologne before the game because Maddon believes in aroma therapy and his team certainly needed something to break out of the funk.

Price went with Aqua Velva Blue.

Joe Maddon promises to continue this smelly tradition:

Maddon is clearly going the hipster route and getting “dad colognes,” but I think the ones he’s choosing are bordering on grandpa, not dad. I’m almost old enough to be a young MLBer’s dad, and stinky guys just a few years older than me were far more into the Polos, Claibornes and Drakkars of the world. I bet more Rays players identify those as old man smells than Old Spice. For the record, my dad is 70. His go-to is Canoe, and even that skews younger than Aqua Velva and stuff.

Anyway: pity the poor clubhouse attendants who have to work in these conditions.

  1. ashot - May 14, 2014 at 8:53 AM

    This is the Raysiest thing ever, but Maddon seems to be off by about a generation in his cologn choices. I’m 34, the age of an MLB veteran, and my dad always wore Polo while my grandpa wore some of the colognes chosen by Maddon.

  2. paperlions - May 14, 2014 at 8:57 AM

    I love the new Old Spice commercial, never fails to crack me up…..”Old Spice! Made a man of my son, now he smells like a man and they treat him like one”.

    • packergator - May 14, 2014 at 10:46 AM

      I think those commercials are a bit creepy. As for the Rays, unless the cologne turns around the pitching, it’s a tired gimmick. They’re not built to score their way out of a bad night on the mound.

      • paperlions - May 14, 2014 at 12:15 PM

        Oh, they are hella-creepy….and also, fantastically hilarious.

  3. aceshigh11 - May 14, 2014 at 9:03 AM

    Not knocking Maddon, but just in general: the hipster movement has spiraled out of control and needs to die in a warehouse fire.

    Like, now.

  4. jaysfan64 - May 14, 2014 at 9:07 AM

    Soon as I saw Price’s name and Aqua Velva, this had to follow…

    • thefugitivekind - May 14, 2014 at 9:28 AM

      Fire Joe Morgan. Well, fire Pete Rose too.

  5. raysfan1 - May 14, 2014 at 9:26 AM

    He should find some Hai Karate.

  6. hcf95688 - May 14, 2014 at 9:28 AM

    Maybe they should get back to winning baseball games.

  7. rbj1 - May 14, 2014 at 9:39 AM

    Aroma therapy? Maddon has just jumped the shark.

    And hipsters are the new hippies. Punch them.

  8. tbutler704 - May 14, 2014 at 9:44 AM

    Joe Maddon is awesome.

  9. indaburg - May 14, 2014 at 9:48 AM

    Well, if you’re going to stink figuratively, you may as well stink literally.

    I work with a doctor who overdoses on cologne in lieu of showers. I need an oxygen mask to stand next to him, the stench is so bad. Yes, pity those poor clubhouse attendants.

    “I’m almost old enough to be a young MLBer’s dad…” Craig, you’re old enough to be Bryce Harper’s dad. :-)

  10. bdunker - May 14, 2014 at 10:30 AM

    This just in…Maddon has Alzheimer’s.

    • packergator - May 14, 2014 at 10:48 AM

      As long as he’s losing. If the Rays turn it around, then he’s clever and innovative again.

  11. Old Gator - May 14, 2014 at 10:36 AM

    Lilac Vegetal.

    • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 4:12 PM

      These are all good choices, but I’m going to have to say English Leather.

  12. dluxxx - May 14, 2014 at 10:44 AM

    Jovan Musk.

  13. ptfu - May 14, 2014 at 10:55 AM

    If they got Eau de Napalm for the Trop, would that return the Rays to their winning ways?

  14. Bar None - May 14, 2014 at 11:04 AM

    The sign says “Whos’s Your Daddy’s Scent For Success” What is that first word?

  15. sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - May 14, 2014 at 11:07 AM

    I loved the story about Troy Tulowitzki being nervous about meeting Jeter for the first time. Apparently Troy grew up idolizing Jeter, wears #2 in his honor etc. So when the Yankees came to Coors, just as players were being announced, a teammate doused Troy with a whole bottle of Jeter’s branded cologne, leaving him no time to go wash it off.

    Meeting your idol while reeking of his fragrance line? Priceless

  16. shanabartels - May 14, 2014 at 11:18 AM

    I’ve been sneezing enough with all the pollen in the air lately, but the mere thought of 25+ dudes who overdosed on cologne all in the same room makes me sneeze even more.

  17. historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 11:25 AM

    OMG, it must be like a middle school locker room in that dugout. Biohazard!

    • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 4:09 PM

      It’s beginning to sound like your middle school years were a series of olfactory and haiku-related traumas.

      That’s personal history.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 4:44 PM

        No haiku trauma here.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 4:45 PM

        Just an advanced case of Polo-phobia.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 4:50 PM

        My nephew and his friends have raised my awareness of how much cologne is required to prepare for any given soccer game. I don’t know how my sister rides with more than one of them in the car with her without the windows down. It smells like boy sweat and 20 different colognes on their bench. Yuck.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 4:54 PM

        Excess cologne usage is the phiten necklace of dating.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 5:07 PM

        Well, he got dumped on VD because he was hanging out with his buddies instead of his gf…so apparently the cologne is working for him about like the necklace is for Papelbon.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 5:17 PM

        Aw – poor kid. He learned a hard lesson.

        Women are horrible, but your friends are even worse and they will cost you women if you let them. Just take the occasional ribbing as a twisted token of male friendship and make sure you make time for the ladies, son.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 5:20 PM

        He’s too pretty, that boy. Sigh.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 5:55 PM

        Well heck, get him one of those swirly bowl haircuts, a guitar, and a YouTube page. That Canadian kid is well past his sell-by date.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 5:56 PM

        It’s too late. He’s shy and gone on soccer. It’s his parents that failed him.

        PS he told me he has the 2nd best hair on his team. He knows.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 6:01 PM

        I would hate to see the team where I sported the second best hair. We’d have to be talking bald mullets, braided rat tails, white boy dreads … oh the humanity.

        The Biebs played soccer. It’s not too late auntie, set him up with a little studio space.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 6:04 PM

        He has this Elvis bouffant thing going on in the front. It’s lush — I’ll admit. Craig would cry if he saw it. But, really, his sister is the musical one.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 14, 2014 at 6:11 PM

        Having gone from lush hair to lonely little islands of hair I have to wonder – is it better have had lush hair and lost it than never to have had lush hair at all?

        Ah well – what do I know. I’ve been too busy visiting come what may places for jazz and cocktails.

      • historiophiliac - May 14, 2014 at 6:33 PM

        And only last year everything seemed so sure?

      • unclemosesgreen - May 15, 2014 at 10:23 AM

        Yep

      • historiophiliac - May 15, 2014 at 10:27 AM

        I know the feeling.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 15, 2014 at 5:48 PM

        Ah yes I was wrong, again I was wrong

      • historiophiliac - May 15, 2014 at 5:50 PM

        Sit down and rot with those whose lives are lonely too.

      • unclemosesgreen - May 16, 2014 at 1:35 PM

        Big match-up tonight – Heterochromianess v Lester. I’m hoping that the sight of the Tiggers wakes this team up & reminds them of former glory.

  18. ezthinking - May 14, 2014 at 12:47 PM

    Duh, Cool Water.

  19. Harry Caray's Glasses - May 15, 2014 at 4:29 AM

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