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A robot threw out the first pitch at the Diamondbacks-Nats game

May 15, 2014, 9:45 AM EST

So this happened:


Right after this, the FirstPitchBot Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 2014. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. FirstPitchBot begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

FirstPitchBot fights back.

  1. sdelmonte - May 15, 2014 at 9:54 AM

    Or, for a less ominous (though somewhat sad) reference:

    So…Terminator, Raiders, and Superman. Five posts and three have geeky movie references. What’s the record?

  2. andreweac - May 15, 2014 at 10:06 AM

    This is one step to far. First it was stat geeks claiming RBIs and pitcher Wins weren’t the most important stats, then it was some coaches who preached plate discipline more than making contact, then it was folks claiming Trout deserved the MVP award the last two years and now somebody is trying to replace the human element of pitching with robots!

    What about the children. Think of the children of this great nation.

    • anxovies - May 15, 2014 at 11:00 AM

      And the strikeouts!! It’s now OK to strikeout a couple of hundred times if you hit 30 HR! Make it stop! Please make it stop!

  3. dluxxx - May 15, 2014 at 10:16 AM

    I personally look forward to that day and will welcome our robot overlords with open arms…

  4. DelawarePhilliesFan - May 15, 2014 at 10:19 AM

    It’s good to see the D’backs are keeping that young robots pitch count low

  5. ber - May 15, 2014 at 10:38 AM

    What else can they do? All the human pitchers are having, or rehabbing from, Tommy John surgery.

  6. luz56 - May 15, 2014 at 10:51 AM

    Kevin Towers just traded Archie Bradley for a gritty robot

    • yahmule - May 15, 2014 at 3:52 PM

      Bradley has better stuff, but their command is roughly equivalent at this point.

  7. chill1184 - May 15, 2014 at 10:54 AM

    Install cybernetic arms in pitchers!

    • raym64 - May 15, 2014 at 12:46 PM

      Only if we allow the batters to either have cybernetic eyes and arms. Or let them take new super PEDs

  8. pbastille - May 15, 2014 at 10:57 AM

    On August 30th, the robot visits Dr. James Andrews…

  9. sabathiawouldbegoodattheeighthtoo - May 15, 2014 at 11:00 AM

    Daisy, Daisy…give me…your…ans-wer…do*

  10. anxovies - May 15, 2014 at 11:02 AM

    Do I detect a plot for a new Big Bang Theory episode?

    • infieldhit - May 15, 2014 at 12:26 PM

      Can’t Community got cancelled… No justice.

      • infieldhit - May 15, 2014 at 12:27 PM


  11. kcroyal - May 15, 2014 at 11:07 AM

    My six year old daughter throws harder than that robot. Six year old girls 1, robots 0.

  12. imnotyourbuddyguy - May 15, 2014 at 11:08 AM

    And yet somehow the robot needs TJS right?

  13. yahmule - May 15, 2014 at 11:50 AM

    Stephen Hawking advises caution in our advances of artificial intelligence, but what the hell does he know?–but-are-we-taking-ai-seriously-enough-9313474.html

  14. infieldhit - May 15, 2014 at 12:22 PM

    Droids don’t pull people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose.

  15. jolink653 - May 15, 2014 at 12:28 PM

    After making the pitch, the robot felt some numbness and visited Dr. James Andrews. An MRI showed a partially torn UCL in its pitching arm and it is expected to undergo Tommy John surgery on Monday

  16. Bar None - May 15, 2014 at 12:32 PM

    Gotta work on that arm slot or the curve will hang.

    • nolanwiffle - May 15, 2014 at 1:22 PM

      It was one hell of an ephus pitch though.

  17. stesse89 - May 15, 2014 at 4:37 PM

    Wow! What good mechanics!!

  18. Jonny 5 - May 15, 2014 at 7:40 PM

    This robot is rudimentary actually. It couldn’t take over a VIC-20.

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